memory. noun. a device or a component of a device in which information especially for a computer can be inserted and stored and from which it may be extracted when wanted (Merriam-Webster Online). i am a device. a machine. i store memory. extract only what is absolutely necessary. i avoid memory. memory avoids me.
an assignment.
the etymological roots of a word and its primary associations.
i select memory. seems natural to the storyteller in me. memory selects me. unconsciously? perhaps. no matter. whether I like it or not. whether I can or cannot. it’s time. me. my memory. mom. more.
i am memory. memory is me.
all I am is a consolidation of my memories jumbled together. without my memories, i am nothing. it’s a funny thing to remember. i only remember others. not myself. i don’t recall what i said or how i looked. what my voice sounded like. that’s for someone else to remember.
any Sunday afternoon in the 1970s.
i am my Dad sing-humming along to his Sunday jazz records. i am not me sitting in the living room reading a book. i am his off-key voice. that’s what I remember. i am the rattle of pots and pans in the kitchen as Mom prepares the evening meal. i am the smell of apple crisp on a cool autumn day. i am the feel of a book in my hands. i am the salty taste of a fingertip licked to turn the pages. turning the pages, faster and faster, to the inevitable. i am the sadness i feel at story’s end.
memory. noun. etymology. middle english memorie (Merriam-Webster Online).
memory fails me. i fail memory. years of work as a psychiatric nurse. interviewing patients. patience. years of difficult stories. sad stories. angry stories. rape and abuse of every kind. life-changing stories.
a young fresh-faced woman with sloping shoulders and a sideways stare. disconnected. telling me things. internal things. private things. the next time we meet, i fail to remember her story. i fail to remember her. i fail her.
rifle through my notes. whatisit?whatisit?whereisit?whatkindofabuse?fatherbrotherunclestepfatherboyfriend? locate ‘the incident’. get the story straight. deep breath. begin the session. memory. noun. etymology. from Greek mermEra care (Merriam-Webster Online). i’m a nurse by profession. i give care. caregiver. some caregiver.
what’re you hiding?